Parting Thoughts

i am not a fan of stick figures.

i feel like they're not doing people justice. they're too similar to all the other stick men.

i mean, why aren't there fat stick men? and while we're at it, where are the stick women? or the stick children?

the stick society is completly uniformal. it makes no sense.

This is Your Captian Speaking: Tell Me Your Deepest Secrets

When I was seven years old my family was on vacation in Florida and I got lost on the beach. I was just being a typical kid; running around as my parents and my brother were walking by the shore. I was playing this game with myself, as I often do, where I would see how far ahead of my parents I could run and then run back to them before they crossed a certain point in the sand that I would determine before hand. A simple thing but when you're seven you have seemingly endless amounts of energy and the desire to do almost anything that involves something remotely interesting.

Well, I ran way ahead of them one time and figured I'd just meet them back at the hotel, which was right on the beach. Well, I ran past it. It got dark and before I knew it.. I was lost. No hotel, no parents. It was frightening. I remember thinking "well, this might be it for you". I had almost right there and then, at the age of seven, resolved myself to the fact that my life was probably over as I knew it. I guess when you're young the world isn't really all that mysterious. Maybe it's because our minds are not obfuscated by anything that doesn't have to do with family, eating and having fun. I always been like that though; incisive with my thought process. It's either over and I might as well stop worrying about it.. or.. it isn't over and I need to REALLY start worrying about it. Either way.. there's no real grey area to speak of. Well, It was fortuitous I suppose that I decided to give up.. because since I just sat down in the sand and stopped moving my dad finally ran into me. Turns out I'd wondered a good 3 miles down the beach from our hotel.

Anytime someone is gone for more than fifteen minutes now I start getting nervous.

A Time To Listen

the tongue is a stringless instrument- there’s a line in Don Quixote that says,”he who sings frightens away his ills”- but i think it works for girls too—some days are better than others- but knowing very little, i feel free enough not being burdened by needing to knowing the rest —trapped in reflection

i think of what paul simon said“I don’t very often think I’ve done a good job. I don’t like the majority of what I do. I shouldn’t say I don’t like it, but I’m not satisfied with almost everything that I do. ”then i think of the words satisfiedor fulfillment alone- wonder if i ever really felt either completely- or was it that i didnt care as much?

the bulb on my flashlight is fading and im waiting for my eyes to adjust - an overflowing glass of tediously over thought accounts spill and soak the ink through and beyond my journals binding - to the point were it doesn’t make any sense anymore - the only thing thats legible are the words "do you still hear me?" and its written over and over and over again .

Dead in the Water

ice storms last night.

knocked out the power in my house.

and a couple others in the nieghborhood.

and thousands all across massacheusetts.

no heat.

no warm water.

no anything.

its a coincidence that the movie, the day the earth stood still, came out today.

cause thats how i feel about this.

dead in the water.

love,
n.

Bring the Rain

watched the squirrels romp around the leaf barren unkempt bushes in our back yard a couple days ago. they are on a survival trip right now, compulsively swift organizational movements, eating, storing, instinctual bingeing in order in become really fat, really fast. mother natures little crack heads (or maybe thats us)
because if we are both supposed to be here, on earth then why are they so afriad of us. they're not afraid of our stuff. they climb on our houses and dance on our fences, then as soon as i move they scattered. but they find a place to hide under the shed or up in the trees.

anyway, i've been thinking a lot about how the rain affects all of us. people get grumpy, sick, and me specifically, really depressed. i don't know why. maybe its because the ones i love are getting sick. whatever the reason is, its hard on me. and i just shot up 2 needles worth of doctor stuff. i dont even know. jeez. my arms are sore as hell. its so hard to type..

ciao,
n.

Enjoy the Silence.

i lay in a windowless box, a murderer. pled guilty, found guilty, and left alone. i can hear people, and cars,and windows opening, and power tools, and im tired, anxious , scared , lonely, and wondering. why do we kill the inspired. why do we kill the ones who inspire us? why do all the peace preachers die by our hands. how many more artist-how many more lovers bodies must be found until we can understand love.

to what form do we expect the spirit to take that we wont imprison, incarcerate, or ignore. when will she return and cleanse our souls? i sit on a street in a world divided by enablers and addicts and i wonder how many lives have i taken? a quarter of my life spent terrified of the truth, terrified of who i really am, consumed by guilt and unable or unwilling to recognize all the splendor thats here in the wonderful present. if everyone suffers from depression, anxiety , loneliness, sleeplessness, jealously, denial, restless mind syndrome, manic living, manic eating, manic fucking, etc. then why do we take our pills in secret.

how much is anonymity worth to you, and how is it different than just being alone? why do we put such a price on life without fear? why is meaning handed out like free samples, and told truth is hiding anywhere but in ourselves and in each other. we enjoy a public nervous breakdown like the romans enjoyed burning the bodies of the faithful. we are spectators in a ring of death, and dying just the same. a candle snuffed out in a pasture of neon light. what drugs are keeping you alive, happy, focussed,thin,energized, socially secure, numb to pain, numb to sadness …numb.

we are the manic children of a single god few have spoken to or seen,but if you listen really close you can hear her as all the world sobs . she says” you don’t ever have to be afraid, because nothing is real expect love”. then we kill her, and go back to wondering why.lets not let another person take there life(or have there life taken) before we begin to ask why we choose to live like this. obsessed with and starving for fear and all its by-products,diagnosed and separate from all the other terminal cases.

think about it.

love,
n.

Persue Birds

this time of year is so annoying. its like the limbo between fall and winter. i hate it. when the weathermen are talking about snow, christmas songs are played endlessly on the radio, but there's no sign of winter anywhere in town.

Its times like this that i wish i could spread wings and fly with birds. to chase them across the sky.

That would be glorious.

love,
n.

Lets go Digital.

i swirl in a stream of consciousness. the days pass quickly. the fall is making its final stand as winter awaits in the wings. the night seems to come at an earlier hour by the day. all of this makes me anxious. for what… i am uncertain. change is ever present. there is no direction to gaze without seeing it on the horizon. excitement and terror in an infinite headlock. over the last 2 years i’ve become a guitar player. amateur of course. but i try to play around 5 days a week. sometimes more… sometimes less.

ill be analyzing rhythms,melody or song structure and then …. my mode of thought… it splinters into a carousel of ex-lovers. fist fights from middle school. learning to drive. and just as the past is wrapping itself around my gasping lungs, the future takes center stage. the end of the newspaper… the end of the CD… g-d forbid, the end of the physical book. i would have laughed in your face 3 years ago if you tried to tell me that people wouldn’t want physical copies of things like that. but thats where we are now. lets go back to that whole end of the CD thing. its crazy but i understand it and i accept it. i just don’t exactly know what it means in terms of my life. the digital vacuum is ruthless and all encompassing… a reflection of our mentality.

love,
n.

I Hate Public Radio

The radio is playing shit i dont like. but i keep listening, it helps me to think. But when i do, all i get is stuff dont want to think about. My mind is a scary place to be in. All those thoughts whirling around in empty space. My college money is in trouble because of all the economic shit this country is in. See? I don't want to think about this. And the radio isn't helping at all.

Maybe i'll try Pandora again. they always play what i like. but wait, the website is down. oh well. Back to my work. I really need to find a job. What if i cant get enough money to pay for college? Dorms at MassArt are almost $900 dollars at least! I don't even know how much money i have saved up from my younger years! Oh god, here we go again.

I Need a Hug.

Perfect, i manage to get my mp3 working, so that will help. The headphones are all beat up. The rubber on the buds is peeling off. and the plug is falling apart. I've had it for a year or so after all. Oh! I like this band, Mew. I recently found them at Newbury comics and was like...

Whoa.

Good stuff.. anyway, i best rap up this post.

ill be in touch.

love,
n.